Aftermath
by IAmThePoisonedYouth
Summary: My own take on how Barry tells Joe and Iris about his experience on Earth-2 and comes to terms with his guilt.


_It's your fault._

" _No."_ Barry mumbled to himself as he twisted in bed, head thrashing from side to side as cold sweat trickled down his forehead.

He could remember the look on Iris' face - not his Iris, but still _her -_ as her father, _Joe,_ flatlined. He could almost feel her tears soaking his shirt as she sobbed out her grief, could remember his own emotions clouding his judgement and shattering his heart - _nothisJoenothisworld._

Anger.

He wasn't sure who he was angry at at this point. He knew it wasn't really his fault, it was Zoom, and it was Deathstorm and Killer Frost, but what was really the point in blaming them?

Zoom had murdered Jay - _his friend -_ right in front of him and he could still hear Caitlin's agonised scream and she couldn't go through this _notagainnotagain, it was all his fault._

First, Ronnie and Eddie had sacrificed themselves to stop the Reverse Flash and the destruction of Earth but all to no avail as it just opened new portals to doom, and when the breaches were closed, Barry left an entire world to Zoom's mercy, so many people. Not to mention, the Reverse Flash miraculously survived, which Barry could only blame on fate playing some horrid trick on him.

If that wasn't cruel and dark, he didn't know what was. So many people had died because of him, including his mother, whom he had the chance to save from fate, but didn't. He could still remember the light fading in her eyes as she croaked out how proud of him she was with her last breaths, could remember his entire life just falling apart.

It seemed like guilt was the only emotion Barry wore well, and it was starting to either turn him into stone or tear him to pieces.

 _Jay, Ronnie, his mother, Eddie,_ how many more could he take before it completely destroyed him?

There was a crash of lightning outside the West house, and Barry shot up, flashing to the other side of his room and curling in the corner without realising, gasping for air as the urge to break hit him. He wanted to call out for Joe and Iris, but the words caught in his throat as he remembered Harry's warning to not tell them lest it influence their lives.

He took a couple of deep breaths before standing up and considered calling one of his friends, maybe Caitlin (no, he couldn't face her), Cisco (he wouldn't understand) or Oliver (no, he was happy right now), but decided against it.

He took a walk into the bathroom to splash some water on his face to wake himself up so that he wouldn't descend into another fit of nightmares, he couldn't handle them and he was _falling apart,_ but he was _The Flash,_ the so-called _hero_ of Central City, he had to suck it up and be brave.

His legs trembled and almost buckled on the small journey to the bathroom, a sob working it's way up his throat but being held back by his sense of duty and self hatred, _he didn't deserve to cry,_ not for Joe's Earth-2 doppelganger, not for Jay, not for Ronnie or Eddie. He had to be a big boy, be a _hero_ and be strong.

He acknowledged his exhausted reflection in the mirror with a half smile - he looked so broken, like he was the shattered pieces of a man only trying to do good but horrendously failing, and he realised, that was exactly what he was. A failure.

His hands trembled as he rested them on the worktop, swallowing back his emotions, trying to be like the Arrow, cold and stoic, but strong. He needed to be strong otherwise there would be no going back.

As he splashed his face with the cool water from the tap, he gasped raggedly at finally feeling something other than his own grief and anger and pain. He turned off the tap and dried his face, then shakily toed his way down the stairs, a sharp inhale escaping him when he saw Joe and Iris watching the television.

 _No, no, no._ his thoughts raced through his head, _Don't let them see you like this, you idiot!_

As soon as he caught sight of them, he thought of Wally, Joe's estranged son and cursed his less than reputable _people skills_ for making the younger man hate him. He wasn't sure how, he wasn't sure why, but the other man seemed to hate his guts. And the biggest part of Barry knew he deserved it.

He was far from perfect, he was a ruined glass mosaic of a person who was one tap from smashing.

Iris looked up, and Barry almost swore when she noticed him, giving a friendly smile, "Look who's awake!"

"Yeah…" Barry heard himself drone, "C-couldn't sleep."

Joe turned to him and tapped the sofa beside him, "Well, come sit with us. Iris is making me watch all the _Harry Potter_ movies."

"Liar." she nudged him, "You picked the movies, dad."

Joe rolled his eyes, then confessed, "Okay, maybe I did, but hey, they're good movies.." he saw Barry's saddened face as he walked over and asked, "You okay, son?"

"Yeah." Barry lied, sitting down, "I'm fine."

Iris stated, "You know I can always tell when you're lying." she sighed and took his hands in hers, and Barry couldn't help remember the married life they shared on Earth-2, and that made him feel so much guiltier, "What's wrong? You know you can tell us anything."

"I can't." Barry's voice choked up, and he felt the tears threaten to rise again.

Joe chided, "Barry, you know we would never judge you for anything? Is this about Jay?"

"Partly." Barry nodded, and Iris' thumb gently traced the back of his hand.

She gently queried, "What happened on Earth-2?"

"It's kinda a long story." Barry explained, "But I met your doppelgangers. Iris, y-you… you were the cop. A real badass one too. And we were married." he saw a flicker of sadness in her eyes as he told her, "Joe, you were a lounge singer, you were really amazing, b-but you hated me. God, my mom was alive there! I heard her voice on the phone. Anyway, me and Iris, I mean, Earth-2 Iris went to see you sing a-and everything went wrong." he paused for a second, as he tried to word it properly, "Two metas," he held back who they were, not wanting to taint the memory of Ronnie or incriminate Caitlin, "They crashed the place, looking for me a-and one of them…" he released a sob, "He killed you, Joe."

Joe took Barry's face between his hands, "Barr, that wasn't me. _Hey, hey…_ I'm still here, look."

"And I left an entire world at Zoom's m-mercy and now, oh God… now Jay's dead because I was too slow, because I was too stupid…" his voice went small as he whimpered, " _It's all my fault."_

Joe sighed, "Oh, Barr." and pulled him forward into a hug which Iris soon joined, trailing her hand up and down Barry's back as he wept into Joe's shoulder.

Minutes passed, and soon, Barry's cries had died down to short gasps, the mumble of the movie in the background. He finally managed to pull himself away from the hug, but Iris moved to sit on the chair arm, rubbing soothing circles into his back as he wiped his eyes.

She assured him, "It wasn't your fault, Barry. It was Zoom. He's a horrible person who does horrible things. We're all just in the aftermath. But we're going to beat him, okay? You're going to beat him because I know just how strong you are."

"Because I'm some sort of superhero?" Barry scoffed.

She shook her head, cupping his cheek, "Because you're _Barry Allen,_ and I've known you my whole life. You may be The Flash, but you're also my best friend. And I can't lose you."

"She's right." Joe added, "You may think that everything's going wrong, but do you know what? Jay wouldn't want you to blame or hate yourself, and I'm pretty sure that I, no matter what universe I'm in, would want it too."

Barry gave a nod, "Thank you."

"We love you, Barry." Iris smiled, "We want you happy."

There was a moment of silence before Barry asked, taking on a lighter tone, "Should we get back to the movies? This is my favourite one."

"Of course." Joe laughed.

Iris grinned, and cuddled into Barry slightly as they turned their attention back to _The Chamber of Secrets._


End file.
